me when someone tries to explain math
that comment is so accurate it hurts
(via sam-mooschester)
*Mom hands me phone to answer*
- Me: Hello?
- Telemarketer: Hello, is your mother home?
- Me: I have no mother.
- Her: Well can I speak to your father?
- Me: Yeah, which one?
- Her: Which one is home?
- Me: Well they're both home..but I don't think you want to talk to Carlos. He just went through a breakup with his boyfriend, Antonio.
- Her: Oh, so your fathers' names are Carlos and Antonio?
- Me: No, no! My fathers' names are Carlos and Mark.
- Her: So who's Antonio?
- Me: I just told you, Carlos's ex.
- Her: So Carlos was cheating?
- Me: Yes, but that's only because Mark was cheating with Edith, our neighbor.
- Her: So Carlos cheated only because Mark cheated?
- Me: No, he THOUGHT Mark was cheating.
- Her: So Mark wasn't cheating?
- Me: I never said that.
- Her: Yes, yes you did!
- Me: No I didn't.
- Her: Y-yes! You did!
- Me: Did what?
- Her: Y-you- Never mind have a nice day, goodbye.
(Source: animal-pandemonium, via unscheduleddismount)
Too soon?
Little bit. Yeah.
Idk, I’ve had time to adjust
(via leviathans-in-the-tardis)
Is This A Kink I Have Or Was This Fic just Really Well Written; an existential crisis in three acts
(via dimplesandguncalluses)
This is the most accurate depiction of my love life ever.
(Source: jcap, via cas-likes-deans-assbutt)
(Source: weheartit.com, via gofuckingnuts)
This guy either won a lot of money, or lost a lot of money..
Haha! The guy’s face in the background is priceless
(via spurbroke)
how to give a good handjob
- bop it
- pull it
- twist it
- harder
- better
- faster
- stronger
You pull your left hand in
You pull your left hand out
You pull your left hand in
And you shake it all about!Cha cha real smooth
none of you ever touch a penis
(via busyinterneting)
